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Tina, who claims to be a DHS security screener employee, dropped a comment on my blog earlier today, and at first I was tempted to discard it as spam. Well, it is spam, but I found her site entertaining. So I’ll let it be.

Her site,, is a crass and unabashed attempt to commercialize her experiences as a security screener. (Of course, we’re assuming that she really is a screener, but flipping through the site, it certainly seems to be the case.)

One annoying thing about the site is her use of Adbrite ads (that irritating hyperlinked text you see so much these days). Oh, and her command of the English language (which she apologizes for), and her use of curses throughout the site, which may be offensive to some.

A tidbit:

Due to the fact that is so difficult to understand that shampoos and conditioners are liquids, I had to open this bag. That bag smelled like the feet of Methuselah. Damn it! When I moved the clothes to get the liquids, four freaking giant size roaches jumped from the luggage and one went straight to my shirt. I have to admit I screamed like Casey in the movie “SCREAM”. For a minute I saw myself; stabbed in chest, stomach, and throat and gutted like the character of the movie. I am sorry but your home, if you can call it that way, has to be a trash can. Deliberately, you packed roaches and that’s disgusting. What person with a working mind will pack liquids in a stinky bag full of roaches and then bring that bag to one of the busiest airport of the nation. There is no excuse for such filth! For your information a research being conducted at the University of Florida shows that cockroaches leave chemical trails in their feces. Other cockroaches will follow these trails. So, if your clothes served as a roach’s house, the friend of your roach will follow you. I don’t want to see a caravan of roaches marching past your butt! For that, I would love you to stay home.

Obligatory tips:

  • DO lay your bag on its side. The upright position is much harder to see and may trigger a re-run. If your bag is full of crap, please lay it flat on the belt. If it’s closed, don’t use a bin and remember all electronics have to come off. You don’t want to wait, and we don’t want to hear your screams.

  • DO put items through the X-ray machine only when you are ready to walk through the metal detector. This minimizes the time you’re separated from your belongings. I’m tired of “MY BAG, MY BAG”. Also make sure you send all your belongings, X-Rays don’t eat your stuff, if you leave them upfront, they won’t walk, you have to send them.

  • DON’T travel naked. If you see how many skin diseases walk through the checkpoint everyday, you will never wear your Daisy Dukes. Besides that we don’t need people with attention disorders deficits at the checkpoint, they create disruptions and the waiting time increase.

Not surprisingly, given her profession, she also professes an undying love for germicides:

I would love to say thanks zillions of times to three products. I can’t live, lets say I will be dead without LYSOL®, PURELL® and FEBREZE®. They don’t pay me, I am not their official sponsor or anything like that. I have over two hundreds hours of sick leave because of them. I never get sick and the checkpoint is full of germs, odors and dust. Nothing better to get rid of germs like Lysol, nothing better to have your hands clean like Purell and nothing better to eliminate the killing odors like FEBREZE®. I buy them with my own money and bring them to the checkpoint everyday. They are highly recommended, not only by me, but by the over 700 screeners that work at my airport. My life at the checkpoint is much easier and clean because of these three fabulous products.

This site does show how much frustration the security employees go through, often for reasons that make no sense. Loading these employees up with senseless, increasingly complex rules makes air travel increasingly stressful for all parties — and worse, actually reduces the airport security posture.

Alex Eckelberry